Category Archives: More Questions Than Answers
For posts that ask more questions than a four-year-old without ever coming up with a worthwhile response.
It’s been more than two months since I last posted at Experience Pearls. I’ve been busy at work, tutoring children in various school subjects (mostly math, French, and reading/writing). For a while it seemed like this would become one of those orphan blogs you sometimes see in Google searches: the ones that have obviously been left behind, victims of their creators’ busy lives, to float in the online ether.
What’s more, I’ve been sort of spiritually uncertain, a little bit at a loss. How do you get your spiritual groove back when you’ve been going through a particularly crazy time of it, and you’re no longer entirely sure what you believe? There’s been a lot of change in my life, and as I try to reorganize myself around a series of new ways to interact with the world, I also need to figure out a new way to interact with the divine.
That will be the focus of my blog going forward: how do I work my spiritual side into my daily life when I don’t even know how to characterize my faith? Where do my new beliefs and my spiritual heritage interact? Where do the old and the new meet? My interior life has changed. Now I have to figure out how to bring that new inner skin into contact with the spirit that lives outside of me – the God that my old self knew, but my new self needs to reimagine with all-new assumptions.
And of course, there are some things that haven’t changed. I’m still fascinated by fundamentalism of all kinds, still interested in how people live out their beliefs, and even sometimes gobsmacked by the crazy things people take as straight-up, Gospel truth. There’s a lot to explore in all that, and I welcome everybody who’s interested in exploring it with me as I do my best to take it outside the box.
So I chickened out of church yesterday. I came up with a bunch of excuses (from the wrong shoes to the wrong frame of mind) but the truth is that I really just didn’t feel like it fit. It didn’t feel right. Maybe it was because I took the Beliefnet Belief-O-Matic test and learned that the only religion that fits me less than the one I was born to is Seventh-Day Adventist. (Read my results in my spiritual profile.) Maybe I was just feeling prickly for reasons that had nothing to do with my religious history.
But in any case, I didn’t go. Okay . . . now what?
I think it’s important for me to go and get a better sense of where I stand in relationship to the Church and its rituals. What works for me? What doesn’t? I know I love the ritual of Catholicism, but so many parts of it tie to things I don’t believe. Can I incorporate it into my at-home spiritual life? If I don’t have a church community and a regular place and time for worship like the Mass provides, will I bother?
There’s only one way to find out, I guess, so I’m committing to this. Next week I’ll be back in town, and I’ll attend the noon Mass at the local cathedral, the one I’ve always found so moving and awe-inspiring. I won’t let myself be intimidated . . . although venerable old churches can be quite intimidating when you know just how heretical you’ve become! But I’ll be there, and I’ll monitor my reactions to see what I can learn about my own spiritual self, about what I need and what holds me back in my quest to get closer to God.